How to Survive a Blah Weekend

Unfortunately my plans for Labor Day weekend have been squashed. The weather is partly to blame, but there are also personal reasons for cancelling my plans. I don’t like bailing on my friends, especially last minute, so I’m feeling guilty for doing so. On top of everything else, it’s crunch time for my actuarial exam so everyday this week has been coated in a thick layer of stress as I’ve tried to study as much as possible.

I didn’t have a breakdown yesterday (Friday). I was just feeling very overwhelmed and stressed. It’s funny because I had absolutely nothing to do Friday night. It would have been a perfect night to decompress and relax. However, the events leading up to why I canceled my plans, the guilt I felt for cancelling, and the thought of my upcoming exam left me feeling …blah. Describing my mood as blah is not the most articulate word choice, but I’m guessing most of you can relate. I got back to my apartment around 8pm, sat on my couch, and was completely indifferent about everything. Watch a TV show? Blah maybe. Text a friend? Blah maybe. Study for my exam? Blah maybe. I’m pretty sure feeling blah really translates into feeling depressed. Yes, I was depressed last night. I’m not clinically depressed. My feelings of blah aren’t chronic. But I’m a normal human being who’s affected by shit going on in my life. If anyone tells you they never get depressed that person is full of shit.

In the end, I ate a box of Jujyfruits and drank cognac as I watched one or two episodes of Bob’s Burgers. Then I had a sugar crash and fell asleep with my lights on around 9pm. (I think I revealed too much in those two sentences…) I woke up at 6am feeling like an idiot. Why did I do that??What am I going to do with myself while everyone is away for the weekend…I could have been studying, but instead I ate an entire box of Jujyfruits…

As a child, my dad would get mad when my sister or I spilled something and then reacted in a normal kid way by staring with our mouths open in shock and disbelief at whatever it was we spilled. He would yell, “Don’t just stare at it! Clean it up! Don’t think, just act!” Even as a 7 year old, I knew this wasn’t the best advice. Nevertheless, over the years I’ve discovered the motto “Don’t think, just act” is very useful in certain situations, like when I’m feeling blah. So, after wallowing in self pity for about 30 minutes I decided to get out of bed and get out of my head (I’m a poet, and I don’t even know it!) and actually do something to improve my state of mind. That’s the gist of this post (only took 500 words!); what can I (or you) physically do to improve the way I’m (or you’re) feeling and thinking. I’m going to share what I did this morning to get out of a blah mood.

 

The Forrest Gump

Every 3-6 months a pull a maneuver I’ve termed “The Forrest Gump.” If I’m feeling really stressed, or depressed, or unsettled in any way I hop on the treadmill or the elliptical and start moving. I have no calorie or milage goal. I just run, and I don’t stop until whatever is bothering me is out of my mind. I probably burned about 1,000 calories this morning in addition to completing a few sets of stability ball planks. If anything, this technique makes you so tired you’ll fall asleep and thus not think about your current life situation…

There are also benefits when you’re still awake. As Elle Woods said in the movie, Legally Blonde, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.” I don’t plan on shooting any husbands, but I wholeheartedly agree that exercise makes me happy and gives me energy. On top of this, physical activity helps me get out of my head. I tend to ruminate or over analyze things, but when I’m focusing on banging out another mile on the treadmill while my heart is racing and my legs feel like jello I have no thought space to focus on the trivial stuff that might have been bothering me before.

 

Writing a Blog Post

“Writing a Blog Post” is very specific. What I really mean is being creative. When I’m creative I get in the flow, and I lose track of space and time (I don’t mean to sound trippy. No brownies were involved in the writing of this post.). It’s just like exercising in the sense that creativity forces me to focus on something other than my problems. I’m redirecting my energy; but rather than focusing on my body (like when I’m running), I’m focusing on what I want to create.

Another creative outlet of mine is drawing. Lately I’ve been drawing a lot of flowers – lots and lots of flowers. Flowers are pretty easy to sketch, and drawing one is a nice 30 minute break in between study sessions. Alas, drawing a shit ton of flowers becomes an embarrassing problem when you leave your flower sketches – tulips, sunflowers, roses – scattered all over your living room and bedroom and then property management does an unexpected fire alarm inspection in your apartment. It’s not like I’m drawing pictures of naked people or dead animals, but I can imagine property management now secretly refers to me, the girl in #306, as “flower girl.”

 

I’m officially out of my blah mood, so I’m going to go shower and get on with my day. I’ve been working on another post that is funnier than this one. Hopefully, I’ll finish that within the next week, and I won’t be taking another 5 month hiatus

Until then, ciao.

 

 

 

 

Why I’m a Slightly Dysfunctional Adult (and Why That’s Okay)

Yesterday was my 28th birthday. As a kid, I always imagined my life would be over by 28. I expected to have a great job, a house, a car, a husband, and kids. I was hoping for a pink high rise condo and a pink limousine with a hot tub in the trunk (Barbie really set some unrealistic expectations for young girls…) Thank God my childhood fantasy has not come true. My friend told me women reach the peak of fertility at age 28. Despite this fact, I have no desire to have children. The only life goals I’ve achieved are landing a great job and owning a car (I’m going to get those dents fixed…I swear.) No house, no husband, and definitely no children. I do want those things eventually; I just have some slightly dysfunctional personality qualities I need to sort out first.

I’m not saying my existence as an adult is a complete sham. I believe the exact opposite. This is the first time in my life I feel like a real adult. Everyone suffers from imposter syndrome after high school or college. We all tried to act like adults, but we had no fucking idea what we were doing. When we were teenagers our parents took care of us and most of our major life decisions were heavily influenced by our parents, teachers, and others who were “more experienced.” (I know I’m coming from a very suburban middle class viewpoint, but that’s all I know). As a result, most of us went through our early to mid twenties feeling like we were making it up as we went along. We did our best with limited knowledge and experience, but deep down we were insecure and fearful of being found out. Fearful that one day the others (the real adults) would discover who we really were, imposters, fake adults who secretly left empty pizza boxes sitting on the kitchen counter for days. (For the record, I still do this.) I suffered from imposter syndrome for most of my twenties until finally at age 27 I had enough self confidence and fortitude to believe in myself and my life choices, even when I was unsure or nervous about the outcome of those decisions. I finally had the self-assurance to know no matter how limited my experience no matter the decision no matter the outcome, I would be okay.

Yet with all that said, I know there are things about myself I need to change. That’s just another facet of being a “real” adult, understanding and acknowledging your good and bad qualities. Just because you acknowledge and accept a negative personality trait, doesn’t mean you’ve settled for it. Acknowledging your weaknesses is the only way to identify your personal development needs, and accepting your weaknesses ensures you maintain your self esteem while attempting to change. Especially if change is difficult, as it often is when you’re an adult. Failing to acknowledge a weakness means you’ve settled for it, and I can’t tolerate people who settle to be less than I know they can be.

At this point if you’re thinking about your own weaknesses, and you’re beginning to feel bad or discouraged…fear not. I’m about to share an example of an area in my life that needs improvement, immense improvement. I hope after reading this you are either overwhelmed with pity or filled with a sense of camaraderie knowing you are not the only slightly dysfunctional adult.

 

I pick things up, put things down, and then I lose those things.

Anyone who knows me knows I am messy and scatterbrained and extremely forgetful. I’m not stupid. There is nothing wrong with my short term memory. I actually have a great memory. The problem is my ADD brain. I literally put something down and get carried away by another thought or activity and develop complete amnesia regarding the object as well as its location. I once put my TV remote in the refrigerator while getting a beer. When I couldn’t find it, I figured it was late, and I should go to bed and the remote would turn up in the morning (as if it was a lost dog with a brain and legs, and it would somehow find it’s way home). The next morning, low and behold, I found the remote in the fridge…it was like the final scene in the movie, Homeward Bound, when the kids are reunited with their animals. I knew it would come back to me!

In addition to this, I have a bad habit of picking things up (such as bottles and boxes of food), emptying their contents, and then not disposing of them in the appropriate receptacle. Instead, I usually put empty bottles and/or food containers back in the fridge or pantry.

As illustrated in Exhibit A:

fridge

Believe it or not folks, all those beer bottles are empty. I finished them and then proceeded to put them back in the fridge. I don’t discriminate against beverage type either. As demonstrated in Exhibit A, I also hoard empty Starbucks cups and Powerade bottles.

Furthermore, while writing this post, I came to the realization that in the time it took to snap that picture I could have easily removed the bottles from the fridge and placed them in the recycling bin. And since this post is about acknowledging your weaknesses in order to change them, I decided to set a good example by doing just that.

Unfortunately, what happened next is best illustrated in Exhibit B:

recylcing.jpg

Perhaps I should’ve taken out my recycling (something I haven’t done in two weeks) before deciding today would be the day I finally clean out my fridge…

Bitches on Dating Sites

It’s 9pm on a Monday. My alarm is set for 4am, and I should be sleeping. But I’m halfway through a Not Your Father’s Root Beer, feeling a bit tips, and super motivated to write a new blog post. The inspiration for this post came via a text message I received from one of my guy friends:

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Aside from the comment about trivia, this text left me more confused than angry. Why would a young female on a dating site waste her time responding to a guy she wasn’t interested in? It’s one thing to send a few messages, decide the vibes are all wrong (or the guy is just super boring), and then ghost yourself out of the conversation. But why would you send a message with the explicit intent of ending a relationship that didn’t exist in the first place? The guy is the one initiating the conversation; at this point you have no obligation to say anything, and most guys get the point when you don’t respond.

I didn’t get angry until my guy friend sent me a screenshot of the actual conversation. I won’t waste my time editing the screenshot by blacking out profile pictures and usernames in order to post it here. That would be a waste of your time to read it all. The only thing you need to read is the part that got me hot and bothered. The part where the girl explains why she responded even though she wasn’t interested:

Dumbass girl: To be courteous and let you know I wasn’t interested and not have you hanging.

Dumbass girl: Well I’m not settling and I’m not going to ask you to change who you are.

 

…Here’s my response to this nonsense:

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The thing that irked me the most about this girl’s response is her not-overtly-bitchy tone. It’s almost condescending. She’s acting as if my friend is just chomping at the bit, waiting by his phone for her response, as if he hadn’t messaged 5+ other girls already. Her smile is so amazing – he’ll never cope without knowing why she didn’t respond (sarcasm). Why do women on dating sites exude this nauseating I’m-too-good-for-you attitude? I’m even guilty of behaving like this sometimes.

The real reason women act like entitled bitches on dating apps is because of the skewed demographics of online dating; the ratio of guys to girls is about 10:1. (That is an exaggerated statistic, but you get the gist.)  If you’re a girl using a dating app, you are a breadcrumb. Guys on dating apps are a bunch of pigeons swooping down all at once to lay claim to this sole breadcrumb. As a female you are bombarded with messages from hungry pigeons (guys) within minutes of uploading a photo and writing a few sentences about yourself on a dating app – you’re a fresh new breadcrumb! These pigeons are hungry, and you are the only reasonably attractive new breadcrumb available for miles. There are other breadcrumbs lying around. They’e not bad looking breadcrumbs; they’re just a little stale. The pigeons (guys) have to scroll through the same small set of breadcrumbs every day which inevitably makes these old breadcrumbs less appealing and somewhat boring. (Do pigeons even eat breadcrumbs?)

For those of you who don’t understand metaphors, what I’m trying to say is the number of females on dating apps/sites is very low relative to the number of males on these same apps/sites. Guys only have a select group of girls within their local area to peruse and message, and thus they find themselves scrolling through the same profiles of the same girls they don’t find attractive, girls they’ve already messaged, and/or girls they’ve already dated. If you’re a cute new girl joining a dating site, guys will notice and message the shit out of you. In fact, guys will message the shit out of you even if you aren’t new (even if you’re a bit stale).

Why is this the case? I honestly have no idea. I can only conjecture it’s because most men create physical attachments before emotional attachments in romantic relationships, so they are more comfortable meeting a girl for drinks after seeing only a few pictures on her online dating profile. In contrast, females prefer to establish an emotional connection before getting physically involved (unless it’s been a while and you’re super randy). Therefore, for women the idea of going on a real life date with someone they met online (rather than in person) is a slightly terrifying proposition.

But regardless of why online dating works like this, just know that it is like this. And because of this fact, guys have to work really hard to get messages from girls. I probably get about 25 Plenty of Fish messages a day. I’ve actually turned off notifications for this app, and I’m not even bragging because I know most girls who use the app have this problem. I really don’t do anything to solicit these messages. There is even a typo in my POF profile that I’m just too lazy to correct, and yet I know these messages will keep coming in. I know I’m not special. Any message sent to my inbox is probably one of many sent to multiple girls. It’s like those guys on Tinder who blindly swipe right for everyone and then sort out their “yesses” and “nos” only after they’ve established a match.

Unfortunately, most females are unaware of the numbers game. For example, I was a complete dummy up until the day my guy friend was scrolling through his OkCupid matches in front of me. All of a sudden…his matches stopped loading…

“I think there’s something wrong with the wifi. You’re OkCupid app is frozen.”

“No Christina. I’m just out of matches.”

“What does that mean…What do you mean you’re out of matches?”

Before that moment, the concept of running out of matches on OkCupid was not an actual tangible possibility for me. Trying to understand what it meant to “run out of matches” made me wonder if I had ingested lead as a child. I was dumbfounded; I just couldn’t comprehend it. I always considered my list of OkC matches to be some kind of infinite scroll. I would open up the app for a solid hour of entertainment! My friend only scrolled for a few minutes before BAM! the end.

Anyway, because women are completely ignorant to the struggles of men using dating apps (guys are eating at a soup kitchen while girls enjoy a buffet-style meal at the Golden Corral), women react to the onslaught of messages by one of the following:

(a) Becoming very annoyed and bitchy

(b) Becoming very particular about who to message back

(c) Both (a) and (b)

(d) Responding with one word messages. These girls aren’t that interested in the guys they’re messaging, but they don’t want to leave anyone hanging. Essentially, they are getting too many messages and have no motivation to put any effort into any of their conversations.

…and finally…

(e) Both (a) and (b) in addition to responding to guys they aren’t interested in…just to tell them they aren’t interested.

If you fall into the category of bitch (d) or (e), please stop now. You might think you are being nice by not leaving the guy hanging, but you are just being annoying. It’s one thing to meet a guy at a bar who offers you a drink in exchange for a conversation and a phone number. In that scenario, you are the only girl he is pursuing at the moment. It would be socially awkward to snub him and walk away from the bar. In that case, you would have to be honest and tell him you are not interested. However, the beauty of online dating is that it is completely impersonal. Guys will send you messages while they are simultaneously talking to (or attempting to talk to) a bunch of other girls. These guys are working pretty hard to get messages, and your disinterested one-word responses are honestly a waste of a their time and energy to read. They could be messaging other girls, but instead they are trying to think of something to say after you’ve sent a gazillion boring “yes” and “no” responses. Even worse is when you send a response back just to tell a guy you are not interested. This is a major kick in the metaphorical balls…Oh sweet she messaged me back…womp womp…nope, she just wants to tell me she hates my beard…wtf?

So I’ll conclude with a text screenshot from another guy friend. As a single female, I know I’m contributing to the problem while I’m simultaneously trying to analyze it for the sake of my blog, which makes me a hypocrite. Therefore, I don’t want to publish this post without talking to my guy friends first to essentially get the “okay” from them to write about this topic. I even asked my friend Chris, who is one of my best friends, to email me a bullet point list of things that annoy him about girls on dating sites.

…Well, I never got that list from Chris. All I got was this text:

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It’s only been a day, and Chris has already purchased a domain name for his blog. I’m flattered I’ve inspired him to write, but I’m still pissed he never sent me his list. My next post will feature a link to Chris’ new blog. For now, ciao.

 

 

 

 

Classic Movie Quotes Are Actually Jewels of Poetic Wisdom

My grand plans for Friday night were to nosh on Jujyfruits and binge watch classic movies on Netflix. These grand plans, however, were cut short when I realized Breakfast at Tiffany’s was no longer available on Netflix Instant. How could Netflix do this to me?? The only movies I can count on are movies I’ve already seen, especially classic movies made before 1970.

I know most of you would rather watch Ted Cruz read Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham while filibustering on the Senate floor than watch a classic movie from start to finish; I can’t even argue with your reasoning. Even among my all time favorite classic movies, the acting is subpar and the plot progression is comparable to the bunny hill (modern movie plots = black diamond). To be honest, you should begin watching every classic movie with the understanding that filmmaking involves a certain level of “technical” skill, and films should be judged relative to everything made before – not by everything made after. Not to mention, I usually have different intentions when watching old films versus modern films. Modern films are (most of the time) strictly for entertainment. (I like how I made an absolute statement non-absolute by adding a note in parentheses…I abuse my privileges with these things, ha!) My mind kind of checks out when I watch modern movies. When I watch a classic movie, there’s more reflection/analysis going on in my head.

I don’t even like watching movies, but I love watching classic movies just so I can analyze the screenplay/symbolism presented throughout the film. For example, the acting in Breakfast at Tiffany’s is simply god awful; it’s too “high school theater company-esque” for a full length film. But despite the recitation of a few cringeworthy lines, there are some downright poetic moments loaded with symbolism and metaphor. You need to watch the movie at least twice to digest all the dialogue. Audrey Hepburn’s character, Holly, is a commitment-phobe who’s afraid to own/take responsibility for anything both physically and emotionally. She owns nothing and nothing owns her. Holly won’t even name her cat. She doesn’t own the cat (or so she says) – they’re just “a couple of no name slobs.” She also loves window shopping at the upscale jewelry store, Tiffany’s, and even goes so far as to say, “If I could find a real place that makes me feel like Tiffany’s, then I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name!”

When I first heard this line, I interpreted it as just another quote from Holly outlining her personal views on commitment, ownership, and responsibility. Nevertheless, after watching the film a few times, I realized this line revealed so much more about Holly. First, although Holly seems vehemently opposed to responsibility and commitment, the fact that she uses an “if, then” statement to describe how or when she would ever buy furniture and name her cat demonstrates there is a part of her that actually does want more stability and commitment, nevertheless there are conditions on how or why she would want this. Second, the fact that she says “If I could find a real place that makes me feel like Tiffany’s” is a little odd, because Tiffany’s IS a real place! It’s almost as if Holly is actually saying, “I want to find a home somewhere and be loved, but I haven’t found a tangible reason applicable to my own life to motivate me to put in the effort.”

It’s seriously like you’re listening to two hours of poetry rather than two hours of story telling. The meaning behind every line isn’t based on emotions portrayed by actors, the meaning is hidden away in the actual words of the script. You don’t get this from modern films. In modern films actors actually act, so there’s no need for flowery overly wordy metaphorical language. Producers of modern films can use super literal realistic dialogue, because modern actors use contrived emotions to make the story believable. That’s why modern movies aren’t quoted as much as classic movies. (except maybe comedy?). I’m sure the following lines all sound vaguely familiar: “What we’ve got here is… failure to communicate.”, “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.”, “There’s no place like home.”  These quotes are from some of my favorite classic movies…people know these lines without even knowing the film they originated from, let alone the context. And even though these lines are timeless, most people still find watching classic movies a nail bitingly unenjoyable experience. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to watch the films quoted above with my friends…only to hear them say (sometimes with distain), “Yeah, no one would ever say this in real life.”

Well…it’s true! No one would ever say that in real life, but that’s the point! And that’s the secret ingredient that makes classic movies so good. AND that’s why Netflix needs put my classic movies back on Instant!!

 

Okay, I said my piece…I guess I’ll just watch Daredevil with my sister, haha!

 

Ciao.

Lame Duck Wisdom

I feel slightly awkward, because I’m typing this post at work. Based on the fact that it’s not my lunch break, I am clearly underwhelmed with assignments right now. My last day at my current job is tomorrow (today by the time I post this); I guess I’m what you’d call a lame duck. When I’m not browsing google news I’m staring at my computer until the screen dims and then I try to wiggle the mouse as quickly as possible before it goes idle and black. It’s become a weird game. And although there’s nothing I’d rather do than read articles about the Iowa caucus (sarcasm), I can only read the names “Ted Cruz” and “Donald Trump” so many times before I go completely loco (because I wasn’t a nut before).

With that said, I figured this would be a good time to update the blog. I haven’t posted in over a month, and if I don’t write a new post soon I might lose my blogging mojo. This isn’t going to be my funniest or most insightful post; but it’s relative to my life right now, and I know my coworkers will be entertained. And we all know the majority of my followers are my coworkers (who soon will simply just be..my friends, I hope?). So today in honor of the coworkers I will miss dearly, I’m outlining a few tips for surviving in a cube environment (Perhaps, this list will help my coworkers survive without me ;)).

There are certain unwritten rules and customs obeyed in a corporate office. I guess it’s inevitable that certain protocols and practices are followed to maintain peace in a workplace where a mass of grown adults are required to wear uncomfortable clothing and sit for 8 hours a day in tightly packed spaces with limited windows (Wait, am I describing work or prison?). And aside from falling in line to maintain an amicable office environment, the clever office worker will also acquire some “aisle smarts” in order to collect the best supplies and ensure an overall pleasurable working experience. I’m not entirely sure if every cube environment is like this, but I hope at least some of my “survivor skills” are applicable at my new job.

So without further adieu, here are my jewels of wisdom…

 

1. As a newbie, you will always get the cube closest to the kitchen. Learn to deal with it while you’re there, but be ready to claim your territory the minute a coworker with a more desirable cube leaves the office. 

The cubicle migration pattern is always moving away from the kitchen. This is true for several reasons. Most obviously, the office kitchen is home to many odors. Some are good and some are bad. When I had a cube near the kitchen, 3pm was always my favorite time of day. This was microwave popcorn hour. Microwave popcorn is a good smell. However, the smell of microwave popcorn mixed with day old tuna is NOT a good smell. And yes, I had to experience this first hand. I should also give a shout out to the inconsiderate asshole who occasionally reheats fish in the microwave. I love seafood, but I would NEVER reheat fish at work. The office is a confined space with few windows (i.e. little ventilation). I don’t care if you need omega-3’s, please cook your fish elsewhere. How do you expect me to complete a pricing proposal when I feel like I’m in the back of house at Red Lobster?

Another lesser known reason for not wanting a cube near the kitchen is the constant office banter you will overhear. The kitchen is where coworkers go to share…secrets. Unfortunately, the acoustics in the building make it so that every kitchen conversation can be heard at max volume in the cube around the corner. Sure, I love gossip and juicy stories just as much as anyone else. It’s just really difficult to do work when a strongly audible coworker is exclaiming about her last Weight Watchers meeting where a grown man had an emotional breakdown and balled his eyes out over the scale.

 

2. When food is in the office, wait until everyone else has gotten their share and then creep up like a mouse.

I like to get my share of the office goodies after the “celebration” is over. I typically poke my head out of the cube around 3pm and do a quick scan for balloons. Obtaining dessert in the office is super easy, all you have to do is find a balloon. Confucius said, “He who seeks random filing cabinets with random balloons tied to them will always find a random tray of dessert.” It’s true; he said it. Look it up.

Even if I want my “piece of the pie” at the same time as everyone else, it’s best to wait until the crowd has died down. I like to think I’m a friendly person. I try to get to know everyone in the office. Nevertheless, there are 50 people working on my floor. I can’t possibly get to know everyone. When a dessert spread is setup for a coworker’s birthday or work anniversary, I do my best to figure out who’s being celebrated before I load my plate with goodies. However, sometimes it’s nearly impossible to know. And because I don’t know everyone in the office, getting dessert at the same time as everyone else could potentially lead to one or more of the following scenarios, each being more embarrassing than the next. (1) I’m in line next to the person being celebrated, but I am completely unaware of this and accidentally snub them as I reach across the display for the last piece of coffee cake. (2) I make an attempt to be polite and say “congratulations” or “happy birthday” to whoever I think it should be said to, only to find out I actually gave this greeting to the wrong person. Or, (3) I say “happy birthday” to the wrong person, and then discover the person I should be saying it to was the woman I accidentally elbowed while reaching for a blueberry bagel bite.

 

3. Time at work is precious. Especially, time spent out of the office. This is why you need to milk it.

When my coworkers and I go out for lunch it’s almost as if a switch has been clicked on in our brain (or perhaps a few switches have been turned off). We go from diligent little workers to lackadaisical slackers who will do anything in our power to not go back to the office. Our thought processes work something like this…lunch at the diner? Sure, why not! Oh hey, they serve beer at this diner. Sure, why not order one! …Well, we knocked back a few beers – can’t go back to work until we’re sober. Starbucks anyone? Sure, why not! Do you guys mind if I stop at the post office on the way back to the office? Might as well go now before rush hour…I think our record was a 3 hour lunch between the hours of 11:30am and 2:30pm, which was followed by a voluntary early dismissal at 4pm because you know, it was Friday!

 

4. Thou shalt covet thy cube neighbor’s office supplies.

Office supplies in a corporate workplace are kinda like toilet paper in Europe. You’re intuition tells you your employer should be supplying this stuff, but for some reason you have to bring/obtain these items on your own. Yeah, there’s a supply closet with a copious amount of notepads and pens, but other items are ridiculously hard to come by. Furthermore, there’s always a few veteran employees who have all the supplies you desire, and you often find yourself staring longingly at their cubes waiting for the “staff announcement” email publicizing their retirement, which would essentially give you the go ahead to go treasure hunting in their cubicles.

The body wasn’t even cold before people began claiming items in my cube. I had to remind them I was still here. I considered writing a last will and testament, but I’ve gotten pretty lazy over the last few days so I guess my coworkers can just fend for themselves after I’m gone.

One item I’ve already bequeathed to a colleague is my stapler. In my office, staplers are like praying mantises. You know they exist in a limited supply, but you rarely see one in real life – and you get more excited than you know you should at the sight of one. It was completely serendipitous that a stapler fell into my possession. I was printing an indication packet in the back room, and in the corner of my eye I spotted it. I knew I had to work fast, so I quickly swiped it from the counter and placed it on my desk before my document even finished printing. Now that I’m on my out, I gave my stapler to my cube neighbor who frequently borrows it. I like to think the act of bequeathing my stapler to my coworker was not only an example of kindness, but an example of loving kindness because I not only gave away my stapler, but also gave away a pack of extra staples.

 

I guess that’s it. I could list more “survival skills”, but this post is already longer than most, and I can predict most of my followers won’t make it to the end. To all my coworkers reading this, I’m really going to miss you! I’ve never worked with such a fun group of people. I know I’ve said this a lot recently, and I know you don’t believe me when I say it, but you haven’t seen the last of me! I’d love to stay in contact and possibly meet up for a happy hour. (We can get full on krunk, and it won’t be awkward because we’re no longer coworkers.)

So for now (but not forever) – Ciao!

The Myspace Survey Resurrected

It’s not Halloween, but I decided to bring something back from the dead. That something is the Myspace survey. If you were in a coma between the years 2005 and 2008, Myspace is a social networking website offering an interactive, user-submitted network of friends, personal profiles, blogs, groups, photos, music, and videos. I’m a little rusty at blogging, so I stole that definition from Wikipedia.

Essentially, Myspace was the precursor to Facebook. Myspace wasn’t as obnoxiously intrusive as Facebook, because you couldn’t post random pictures, videos, or news articles about your political views, your pets, your most recent vacation, or anything else nobody cares about. However, with Myspace it was much easier to create an image or brand for yourself that contrasted sharply with the real you.

The bread and butter of your Myspace page was your profile picture consisting of you in your best clothes, with your makeup on, looking as thin as possible, maybe making some sad and distant emo face. (I speak for female Myspace users). When I was using Myspace, you could also customize your page with HTML creating sections for “About Me”, “I’d Like to Meet”, and “Interests”. These “About me” and “Interests” sections gave birth to the Myspace survey.

Back in the day, most Myspace users were teenagers – keep that in your head for a second, because I will digress in the next few sentences. As a 27 year old, I sometimes I find it difficult to clearly articulate who I am and what my interests are. I’m not a lost soul nor do I spend the entirety of my free time watching QVC (only 10% of my free time – 20% during the Holidays). I’m just a complex person who’s engaging in said interests and living my life based on those preferences that define who I am. This makes it difficult to stop, think, and write about myself and my interests in paragraph form. Now, imagine how difficult this is for a teenager – someone who is not so sure of themselves and not really sure who they are yet. They have some interests they really enjoy, but other activities are forced upon them by parents and peers. On top of this, teenagers try desparately hard to impress one another and “look cool”. Their Myspace profile has to convey who they are while simultaneously conveying how cool and likable they are. This leads to a crisis of thought similar to the one I had while writing my dating site profile in which I said something like “Oh shit, who the fuck am I??”

This is why the Myspace survey was so useful. You didn’t have to think critically about your personality or interests. The Myspace survey revealed all these things for you. Other people would understand how cool you were just by reading your responses to the survey questions – what and how you answered.

But alas, as Robert Frost wisely said, “Nothing gold can stay.” And this rings true for Myspace surveys. The Myspace survey seemed like the golden ticket to the express train out of describing yourself on social media; however, most were written for and by teenagers and thus filled with irrelevant bullshit questions that revealed nothing about your interests or personality. The worst part is that somewhere in the depths of the internet, all those bullshit questions you answered have been stored – and they’re waiting to be found by a friend or coworker who wants to make fun of you and your awkward teenage self.

So now that I’ve written 500+ words for my introduction alone, I will get to the meat of my post. I thought it would be a fun idea to resurrect a Myspace survey to answer/make fun of the questions. The last time I completed a Myspace survey was 2 years ago after drinking a few bottles of wine with my friend, Kylie. Although our responses were absolutely hilarious, I decided to complete the current survey sober in order to maintain the authenticity of my responses. The survey I chose was originally created in 2009. It’s past my time – but I thought the content was too good to pass up. I laughed really hard when I read the title, “good morning sunshine, awake when the sun hits the sky.” And then a laughed even harder when I realized this was a line from a Coheed and Cambria song. Keep in mind, I’m not including all the survey questions in this post. I’m only giving you the highlights. But enough introductions, here are my responses to “good morning sunshine, awake when the sun hits the sky” (yeah, I just laughed again while typing that).

 

Why are you where you are right now? This question could induce an existential crisis. How deep do they want me to dig? Right now I’m sitting on my couch typing my blog post. I’m here because my couch is soft and comfortable.

 

When was the last time you threw up? and the even better follow up question Why did you throw up? I’m not going to answer this question, but I will make fun of this question. There’s such a thing as too much information, and this question is about 100 miles over that boundary. The moment I read this I felt like I was completing one of those new patient questionnaires at the doctor’s office. I half expected the next question to be “How many bowel movements do you make in a week?”

 

Do you still buy CDs or do you just download everything? No CDs for me. I download everything from Napster and Kazaa.

 

If you went to Jail, what would you go for? I love how this question glamorizes criminality. But if I must answer – Frank Sinatra was arrested for seduction; I could see myself going down that route. I mean, my mom always says I’m so cute it should be illegal!

 

If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? This survey just took a morbid turn….with that said, rather than describe how I’m going to die, I’ll tell you how I’ll amazingly cheat death. It’ll all start when German terrorist, Hans Gruber, takes Nakatomi Plaza hostage during a Christmas party. I’ll use my experience as an NYPD detective to take down the terrorists and reconcile my differences with my estranged wife, Holly…Oh wait…

 

What is the best way to tell someone that they stink? This might be the easiest question of the entire survey! Simply walk up to the stinky person in question, tap them on the shoulder and say, “Excuse me, you stink.”

 

Ciao.

 

How to Pee in the Middle of the Night

Some things must be done delicately. Peeing in the middle of the night is one of those things. You need to exert enough energy to go to and from the toilet. But, you can’t get too excited, or else you’ll be lying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours. So what is the best way to approach this twilight tinkle conundrum? I have the answer; I’ve developed three easy steps for taking a midnight piss.

Step 1: Remember your sweet spot

Your sweet spot is your body position right before you fall asleep. Everybody tosses and turns in bed. Your sweet spot is the body position you finally settle on before you fall asleep. Most of the time your bladder is at odds with the rest of your body, and because of this, you have to pee as soon as you find your sweet spot.

Here is the trick to preserve your sweet spot. Before you get up to pee, savor your sweet spot. Try to memorize your exact body position and where your head falls on the pillow. As you get up to pee, keep the image of your sweet spot in your mind. Don’t let it go, or else you’ll have to get yourself comfortable all over again.

Step 2: Keep all lights off 

I’m sure most of you already do this. You’ve been sleeping for several hours, your eyes have adjusted to the darkness. By no means should you “unadjust” your eyes. The moment the lights go on is the moment you’re awake and won’t fall back asleep.

But what if you need to walk up stairs to get to your bathroom? Or, what if there are sharp edges along your bathroom route? In the event your bathroom path is treacherous, you can still preserve your sleepiness by doing what I call the “zombie walk.” Walk with your hands in front of you, shielding yourself from any doors, stairs, or sharp objects. If the stairs are your primary concern, do the “zombie walk” with an added march. The march will help you decipher where a stair begins and ends, and thus help avoid any mishaps getting up and down.

If all else fails you can always use the flashlight app on your phone. However, this is a slippery slope. Make sure the flashlight is pointed away from you at all times. Shine the flashlight in your eyes, and you might as well go straight to your couch and watch QVC (QVC is my insomnia channel of choice). 

 Step 3: Do Everything Gently 

Don’t tip toe. That involves too much movement. Instead, glide across the floor like an ice skater. Keep your head down (but keep your arms in front of you, of course). Try to keep your eyes half open to maintain your dream-like state. Imagine you are in a slow motion replay. Every movement should be slow. (but not exaggerated). Exert too much energy, and you’re bound to wake yourself up. If this is all too much to remember, just emulate a zombie from The Walking Dead. 

The difficult part is when you get inside the bathroom. If you’re a female, and you live with males, the toilet seat might be up, in which case you’ll have to put it down before you pee. Move the toilet seat down as gently as possible so the bottom of the toilet and the seat touch with a soft *ping*. If you hear a loud industrious *clank* – you did it wrong, and you’ll be wide awake for a few hours. 

I hope you find this how-to useful. If none of the above strategies work for you, you can always pee in your bed. However, I paid over $100 for a memory foam mattress pad, so I won’t be peeing in bed any time soon.

 Ciao